Bonds between some daughters- and mothers-in-law are sometimes compared to the close friendship that Ruth and Naomi enjoyed . But far too many women describe this relationship as fragile, tense, and even competitive.
Your son loves this woman, no matter that you can't understand what he sees in her. Remember the old song, "When a man/woman loves a woman...If she is bad, he can't see it, She can do no wrong, Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down." This is absolutely truth so in dealing with her, no matter what your true feelings are, you must never say a word against her to your son.
My daughter-in-law refused to play the “What Are You Going to Name the Baby?” game for each of her three pregnancies. And who can blame her. “Colum? What kind of a name is that? Brandon. Tyler. Lucy. Adam.” Everyone weighs in on a name, loving it or hating it. She waited until each baby was born to tell us. Megan. Luke. Euan. Embrace the name. Whatever name your son and daughter-in-law choose.
Where they live. If it happens to be closer to her parents, that’s okay. If it happens to be right next door to her parents, that’s okay. If it happens to be a room in her parent’s home, that’s okay, too. You are not being replaced! My daughter and son-in-law moved in with us for a while right after their first child was born. The other grandparents, who lived 200 miles away, never acted as if we were the victors in some game of tug of war. But I felt like a victor. And I felt guilty.
Another woman poured her heart out to me. Although she and her husband have been married for more than three decades, she still feels that, no matter what she does, she will never measure up to the standards of her mother-in-law. “I simply wish that she would accept me for who I am.”
And then I finally read an encouraging response: “My mother-in-law is a gem! She loves Jesus with her whole heart and that is what makes her so valuable. ... She is thoughtful and generous.”
She may be a clueless, crude boor. She may be vulgar and crass. She may swear like a sailor while your family is a church-going, proper group. She may actually be unkind, cruel, or a manipulative, controlling narcissist, not caring about imposing on others as long as she gets whatever she wants. There is nothing you can do about this. Just be polite, as you would be to a stranger.
The only real exception to this is if you have little kids (your son has siblings who have children, perhaps) around and she's cursing like crazy - then you might say, mildly, "Ooh - can we watch the language while the kids are here? They get into trouble for saying that word and I don't want them to pick it up here. Thanks." No matter how creepy she is, stay calm, cool, poised, and polite.
“Hope and pray that the marriage of your son will be successful. Don’t sit in the background and hope for your daughter-in-law to fail.”
“Rather than question or criticize your daughter-in-law, bring issues to God and pray.”
“Ask God to show you how to love your daughter-in-law as your own daughter.”
Talk with your daughter-in-law about hard things.
“If you are a family, act like one. Families fight, they discuss their issues and that’s how they get resolved. This can be done lovingly and constructively. It doesn’t have to be a he said/she said/you said situation. Tiptoeing around the problems and acting like they don’t exist doesn’t help anyone, it only hurts everyone in the long run.”
“Ask your daughter-in-law to let you know if/when you offend her. Remember that Satan wants to destroy your relationship.”
She will control access to any offspring of your son's that result from the marriage. Your best bet to retain visitation is to maintain a cordial, amicable relationship - bite your tongue if you must to remain civil. Don't criticize her parenting, don't get angry if she changes plans at the last minute, leaving you out in the cold when you had planned to have the kids over for the weekend. This is one of the ways that certain people control situations and others (see How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship) - the best you can do is to understand that she has the ultimate say over what happens with her children. Don't kid yourself that you have a lot of rights: courts do not tend to side with grandparents unless the mother and/or father are declared unfit or have been arrested for a felony. Just try as best you can to keep your relationship workable, no matter how bloody your tongue gets.
“The daughter-in-law will typically not say anything directly, but if pressed she’ll have a reason for her behavior,” says Dr. Brann. To make things worse if you try to call or contact your DIL, she may ignore your attempts and that can put you in a position of feeling completely helpless.
People who bully—DILs included—do so because they’re insecure, have low self-esteem and want to feel powerful and important, says Dr. Brann, and this is the only way they know how to do it. “The daughter-in-law may bully because she wants everyone—particularly her mother-in-law—to know the importance of her place in the family.” And of course, that she’s #1 in her husband’s life.
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